The Burlington Weekly Hawk Eye

Artemus Ward to the Prince of Wales.

Friend Wales.—You remember me. I saw you in Canady a few years ago. I remember you too. I seldim forgit a person. I have been bilding a barn this summer, and hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos me. I hearn of your marriage to the Printcis, and ment ter writ you a gratoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin to Alexandry, and ment ter writ you a con—

me.

we met in the body politic. The body, politic, in ack, is sick. I sumtimes think it has got biles, friend Wales.

your country, in conjunktion with Cap'n Sems of the Alobarmy, manetanes a noo-

trol position.

In my country we've got a war, while I'm afraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it. Oh no, I guess not!

Yes, Sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses, you bet.

I have alreddy given two cousins to the war & I stand reddy to sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther'n not see the rebelyin krusht. And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed every drop of blud my able bodid relations has got to prosekoot the war. I think sumbody orter be prosekooted, and it may as well be the war as any body else.

When I git a goakin fit on me it's no use to try ter stop me.

You hearn about the draft, friend Wales, no doubt. It caused sum squirmin' but it was fairly conducted, I think. for it hit all classes' It is troo that Wendill Phillips, who is a American citizen of African scent scaped, but so did Vallandiggum, who is a Conservativ, and who was resuntly sent South, tho' he would have been sent to the Dry Tortoogus if Abe hadn't 'sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses would keep him.

We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin circle, which ansers the same purpuss; and we wasn't long in suspents as to who was drafted.

One young man who was deawd claimed to be exempt because he was the only son of a widow'd who supported him. A few able-bodied dead men was drafted, bnt whether their heirs will have to pay 3 hundred dollars a peace for 'em in a question for Whitin', who'pearsto be tink- erin' up this draft bizness ri; it sinart. I hope he makes goodwages.

Ithink most of the conscrip:in this place will go. A few will goto Canady, stoppin on their way at Concord. N. H., where I understan there is a Muslum of Harts.

You see I'm sassy, friend Wales, hittin all sides: but no offense is ment. Yon know I ain't a politician, and never was.- I vote for Mr. Union-that's the only can- didate I've got. . I claim, howeyer, to have a well-balanced mind; though my idees of a well-balanced mind differs from the idees of a partner I once had, whose name it was Billson. Billson and I orianized a strollin dramatic company, & we played The Drunkard, or the Falling Saved, with a real drunkard. Tbe play didn't' take particlarly, and says Billson to me, Let s give 'em sum immoral dramy. We had a large troop onto our hands, consistin' of eight tragedians and a bass drum, but I says, No, Billson; and then says I, Billson, you hain't gota well-balanced mind. Says hre, Yes, I have, old hoss-fly (he was a low cuss)--yes, I have, I have a mind, says he. that balances in any direction that the pub- lic rekires. That's wot I call a well-bal- anced mind. I sold out and bid adoo to Billson. He is now an outcast in the State of Vermont. The miser'ble man once played Hamlet. There wasn't any or- chestry, and wishin' to expire to slow moo- sic, he died playin' on a claironett him- self, interspersed with hart-rendin'groans, andsuch is the world! Alars! alars! how onthankful we air to that Providence which kindly aliows us to live and borrow money, and fail and do bizniss.

But to return to our subjeck, with our resunt grate triumps on the Mississippi, the Father of Waters (and them is waters no Father need feel ashamed of-twig the witikism?) and the cheerin' look of things in other places, I reckon we shan't want any Muslum of Harts. And what upon airth do the people of Concord, N. H., want a Muslum of Harts for? Hain't vou got the State House now, & what more do you want?

But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note, arter all. My objeck in now ad- dressin' you is to give you sum adwice, friend Wales, about managin' your wife, a bizniss I've had over thirty years expe- rience in.

You had a good weddin'. The papers hav a good deal to say about "yikins"in connection tharewith. Not knowings what that air and so I frankly tells you, my no- ble lord dook of the throne, I can't zactly say whether we had 'em or not. We was both very, much flustrated. But I never injoyed myself better in my life.

Dowtless, your supper was aheadof our'n. As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you can git a good meal in New York, & cheap too. You can git half a mackril' at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's for six dollars, and biled pertaters throw'd in.

As I sed, I manige my wife without any particler trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of exper- iments, and them as didn't work I aban- ding'd. You'd better do similer. Your wife may objeck to gittin' up and bildin the fire in the mornin', but if you com- mence with her at once you may be able to overkum this prejoodiss. I regret to ob- arve that I didn't commence arly enuff. I wouldn't have you s'pose I was ever kicked out of bed. Not at all. I simply say, in regard to bildin' fires, that I didn't com- mence arly enutf. It was a ruther cold mornin' when I fust proposed the idee to Betsy, It wasn't well received, and I found myseif layin' on the floor putty suddent!

Ithought Id git up and bild the fire my- aelf.

Of course now you're marrid you can eat onions. I allus did, and ifi know my own hart, I allus will. My daughter. who is goin' on 17 and is frisky, says they's dis- gustin. And speakin' of my daughter re- minds me that quite a number of young men have suddenly discovered that I'm a very entertainin' old feller, and thev visit us fregently, specially on Sunday evenins One young chap-a lawver by habit-don't cum as much as he did. My wife's father lives with us. His intellek totters a little, and he saves the papers containin' the pro- ceedins of our State Legislater. The old gen'l'man likes to read out loud, and he reads tol'ble well. He eats hash freely, which makes his voice clear; but as he on- fortnilly has to spell the most of his words, I may say he reads slow. Wall, whenever this lawver made his appearance I would set the old man a-readin' the Legislativ' reports. I kept the young lawyer up one night till 12 o'clock, listenin' to a lot of acts in regard to a drawbridge away orf in the east part of the State, hayin' sent my dar- ter to bed at half past 8. He hasn't bin there since. and I understan he says I go round swindlin' the Public.

I never attempted to reorganize my wife butonce. I shall never attempt agin. I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's healths; and wishin' to make em' a robust as possible. I continued drinkin their healths until my own became affect- ed. Consekens was. Ipresented myself at Betsy s bedside late at night with consid'- ble licker concealed about my person. I had sumhow got perseshun of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' sum cranky observations of Mrs. Ward's in the mornin'. I snapt the whip putty lively, and in very loud woice, I said, "Betsy, you need reorganizin'! I hav cum, Betsy," I continued—crackin' the whip over the bed —"I have cum to reorganize you! Ha-ave you per-rayed to nite?"

I dreamed that night that sumbody had laid a hosswhip oyer me sey'ril consekoo- tiv times: and when I wokeup I foundsbe had. I hain't drank muoh of apythin' since. and if Iover have another reorgani- rin' job on hand I shall let it out,

My wife is 52 years old, and has allus sustaineda goodcharacter. She's a good cook. Her mother lived to a vener'ble age, and died while in the act of fryin slap- jacks for the County Commissioners. And may no rood hand pluck a flour from her toom-stun! We hain't got any picter of the old lady, because she'd never stand for her ambertipe, and therefore I can't giv her likeness to the world through the mee- jum of the illustrated papers; but as she wasn't a Brigadier-gin 'ral, particerly, I don't s'pose they'd publish it, enny how.

It's best to give a woman consid'ble lee way. But not too mutch. A naber of mine Mr. Roofus Minkins. was once very sick with the fever, but his wife moved his bed into the door-yard while she was cleanin house. I told Roofus this wasn't the thing, 'specially as it wuz rainin' vi'lently; büt he said he wanted to giy his wife "a little lee-way." That was two mutch. I toold Mrs. Minkins that her Roofus would die ef he stayed out there in the rain mutch longer; when she said, it shan't be my fault ef he dies unprepared." at the same time tossin' him his mother's Bible. It was orful! I stood by, however, and nussed him as well's I cood, but I was a putty wet nuss, I tell you.

There's varis wavs of managin' a wife friend Wales. but the best and only safe way is to let her doo jist about as she wants to. I'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm.

Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales,and good luck to you both ! And as years roll by, and accidents to happen to you-'mong which I hope there'll be Twins-you will agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on with any certinty of winnin'.

It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view. I I make'bout as mutch in the course of a year as a Cab'net offisser does. and I un derstan'my biziniss a good'deal better than sum of 'em do.

Respecks to St. Gorge & the Dragon.

"Ever be happy."

A. WARD.