The Daily Record

Mary Haworth
America's Foremost
Personal Affairs Counselor

During Visit to Aunt Who is Mother of Eight; Woman Had Flashback to a Chronic Nightmare Aspect of Your Childhood

DEAR MARY HAWORTH: Ever since I can remember, my mother sought sympathy from me, and I could see many things wrong in the home. Worst of all, my father openly rejected my only brother, three years my senior. This was painful for me, and looking back I can well imagine how it hurt my mother. Father was very fond of me. I was the only daughter.

I saw my mother grow lonely, frustrated, bitter, twisted and sadistic; and I can understand now the reasons why. However, at 19, when I went to another city for professional study, I wasn't prepared for her to turn on me as she did, and make wild accusations about my character, as she still does. Somehow I survived that hectic time. A mere handful of people unwittingly gave me the courage to carry on. Also the respect my in-laws gave me (God bless them) was just what my injured ego needed.

Recently I traveled a great distance to visit an aunt of mine, a woman of grace and inner strength—mother of eight children, with room in her heart for eight more.

As Aunt Kate was talking by telephone to one of her daughters who is studying in the same field that I once did, I became panicky and almost broke down. I couldn't talk to anyone the remainder of the evening. This was obvious to me, but perhaps they didn't notice.

To think that my aunt was concerned about whether her daughter passed the examination she had taken that day! What can I do, so that I won't become panicky in circumstances such as that?

Z. E.

NUB OF PANIC IS REVEALED
DEAR Z. E.: Your letter is an interesting example of "free association": of ideas affording insight. Free association is a term applied to seemingly random recollections that really bear down on a trouble spot in experience, past or present.

Your purpose in writing was to ask help in preventing a recurrent panic that struck without overt provocation. And in groping for words with which to ask "What happened?" you've pretty well unveiled the mystery. On observing your aunt's warm-hearted relationship with her daughter you were suddenly stabbed, with spontaneous envy and terror—wishing that you lived in such sanctuary, and realizing that you do not. This was a momentary flare up of acute anxiety—

flashback to a chronic nightmare aspect of your childhood

To avoid a repetition of this distress, which is inappropriate to your adult status, you need (1) to perceive the deep roots of it; and (2) to revamp your emotional reflexes in the light of conscious awareness of the ingrained handicap, and with steady faith in your grown-up potentials.

As a put upon child, you probably resented your mother's weakness her infantile, unstable, burdensome personality, which levied demands upon your sympathy.

Naturally it was a shock when she turned against you with wild defamatory accusations. But I think the most shattering aspect of your dismay had to do with a lurking guilt sense about her rant. No doubt you felt there were grains (at least) of justification for her outcry, in your partiality to your father.

FACE THE TRUTH WITHOUT SEVERITY
After the break, perhaps you felt a compulsive urge to atone—an impulse stymied as much by her militant hostility as by your involuntary reciprocal rejection of her. This subjective impasse would largely prevent your forming any close ties, psychologically.

In consequence, you'd feel isolated from everyone, thus more than ever disturbed by estrangement from the mother. What to do about this? Try to realize that your distraught feeling about it are childish—conditioned by helpless involvement with parents, during the original crisis. Then try to acquire a mature minded view of what transpired—not condemning, only reviewing with a desire to understand.

Finally, leave ancient history behind; and organize your energies to make best use of present opportunities for good extrovert relations with people near you. As a guide to healthy thinking, read H. A. Overstreet's book "The Mature Mind"—and watch for his new one "The Great Enterprise" (namely: human relations) coming out in August.