The Alexandria Herald

HUMOUR.

THE FIRST OF APRIL.

AN EXTRACT.

From the last number of the New Monthly Magazine.

8, a. m.—Looked out of bed room window into Grace church street, and called "Sweep" to a boy with a soot bag—Saw him stop, look about him at the corner of White Hart court, and then walk on.—Halted him three times in the same way. Tried a fourth, and popped my head out at the wrong moment. Boy, in a great passion, threw a turnip, which broke me a half crown pane, and woke my wife.—Swore I knew nothing about it, and sneaked down to breakfast.

9, a. m.—Went to table drawer and silly pocketed three little lumps of alabaster. Returned and took my seat at breakfast table as if nothing had happened. Put alabaster at top of blue sugar basin, and to my great delight saw Kitty put one into each of the children's cups. Children hammered, pushed, and wandered sugar would not melt. Thought I should have died a laughing; three of my best silver spoons bent as crooked as rams' horns. Very demure when Mrs. Gander came down to breakfast. Never attack wife :—(harpooners have some reason for not meddling with a certain species of whale, as being too fierce.)—So says Guthrie's grammar.

10, a. m.—Went behind the counter to serve. Asked Jack Mitten my foreman, if anybody had blacked his face. Jack answered, "not to my knowledge," and went to the looking glass. I replied, nor to mine either.—Laughed very much, but Jack did not see much in it. Sam Snaffle, the driver of the Clapham looked in to know what places were booked.—Told him one inside, a lady to take up at Seam's manufactory, this side the Elephant.—Saw him set off, one short, and thought I should have died.—Took pen, ink, and paper, and wrote as if from Dodds the druggist, to lawyer Lynx, telling him to arrest Shuffle the shoemaker for 12s. 6d. goods sold and delivered. Gave it to ticket-porter, and told him Lynx would pay the postage.

10, a. m.—Went back in the shop to serve. Sold a white cotton night-cap to an exciseman : and told him it was fellow to six others which I had parted with to half a dozen other gentlemen who were to set off on a journey from the Old Bailey to-morrow morning at 8 o'clock.—He did not seem to see much in it, but I laughed amazingly. Saw Jack Mitten serving a lady with a red elastic purse, at the other counter—Took up a newspaper and read loud enough for her to hear dreadful depravity! an Irish fruit woman in Dyot street, St. Giles's, scraped her child to death with an oyster-shell. Lady screamed and went into hysterics. Gave her a glass of water, and told her it was a shame that oyster-shells were suffered to lie about the streets. Thought I should have never done laughing.

12.—Sent Polly to Spa fields to see a live radical. Told her to buy me a straight hook in her way home, at Peter Pullgill's in Crooked lane. Told her I should also want a glass ink horn; and that a male mermaid was expected to swim down Fish street hill at two. Wife overheard, and called me an old fool.—Did not see much in it, but Molly laughed.

1, p. m.—Asked Jack Mitten who was the father of the sons of Noah : where Moses was when the candle was blown out; and which was most, half a dozen dozen, or six dozen dozen. The poor fellow could not answer one of them.—Took the steps, climbed up slily to the clock, and pushed the hands two hours forwarder. Heard wife, who caught a glance of it, rail at the cook for not putting down the leg of mutton, telling her it only wanted an hour of dinner time.—Clock struck a hundred and one; found I had done mischief, and stole away to Ellicot to get him to repair it.

2, p. m.—Took a turn upon 'change. Told Rothschild I hoped he liked Columbian bonds. Did not much like his looks, so stole away and entered the rotunda of the bank. Buzz, the broker, asked me to hold his umbrella, while he went to sell 3000 pounds. at 73 5-8.—Dropt two handfuls of saw dust into his umbrella: On his return, walked out with him into Bartholomew lane. Luckily rained hard; Buzz flirted open his umbrella over his head, and covered himself with saw dust. This made me laugh till I cried. Buzz threw back a handful of saw dust into my left eye ; this made me cry till I laughed.

3, p. m.—Took a walk over London bridge to Horsemonger lane sessions.—Looked over sessions paper, and saw in-dictment. the king against O'Bludgeon about 30 off. Went into front yard, and bawled out, "the king against O'Bludgeon is just called on." Such a rush of barristers, bar keepers and witnesses into court! Two apple barrows upset, and a barrister's wig trampled under foot.—Entered auction mart at the corner of Throgmorton street, and went up to auction room. Saw Gab, the auctioneer,

mount pulpit. Took a stand at farther corner of room and tried my tongue at ventriloquy. Beat Matthews hollow. Bid in seven different voices from various parts of the room—and saw Gab knock down seven articles to seven innocent by-standers, viz : a fowling piece to a fat widow ; a pr. of stays to ward deputy ; a gig to a waiting woman; O'Keefe's works to a Methodist parson; a complete set of John Bull to alderman Wood ; and a Greek grammar to a stock broker.

4, p. m.—Dinner. Asked Jack Mit-ten to take a glass of sherry, and poked vinegar cruet into his paw. Made him sputter out liquid, like lion's head at Aldgate pump. Swore it was all his own doing, and for once in a way got be-lieved. Told wife I had been at Bat-suff's; was asked by her what news ?—Answered the French had taken um-brage. More fools the Spaniards, replied Mrs. Gander, for not fortifying it better.

5. p. m.—Polite note from lawyer Lynx, telling me that hoaxing an attor-ney was felony at common law, and that he meant to indict me at the ensuing Old Bailey sessions, unless I paid the costs in Dobbs v. Shuffle, according to enclos-ed account. Perused bill; "Attending plaintiff by appointment, when he asked me how I did, six and eight pence; at-tending, answering him, pretty middling six and eight pence, &c. &c.; total. fif-teen pound eighteen" Damned all pet-tifoggers, and gave bearer a check for the amount. Muffin man with bell:—bawled out muffins, and bobbed. Aimed at Perriwinkle with a pea shooter; and chalked "mangling done here," upon Slice, the surgeon's window shutter.—Visit from bowing hobbling waiter, from the city of London tavern : "beg pardon, sir, but here's the bill. sir." "What bill?" "Mr. Jolter, sir, and Mr. Scraggs. sir them as you April fooled this morning; met and compared notes, sir ; knew your hand; went to my master's tavern to-gether, city of London, sir; ordered your own dinner, sir : turtle and roast hare for two, sir, and told me to bring you the bill, sir.' Swore I would not pay it : looked out of the window, and saw Jolter and Scraggs walking up and down by the Wadsworth coach, and flourishing a brace of horse whips Set it down for no joke, and told waiter to call to-mor-row for his money.

9. p. m.—Whist. Wife and I against Lætitja and deputy's lady. Head run ning upon take-in of tavern bill : miss-ed deal with queen of diamond at bottom: wife kicked my left shin. Second deal : at my old tricks : asked Mrs Kilderkin i' she had heard the news? Answered. no : what news? Told her that Ferdi-nand had dissolved the cortes in hot wa-ter. Played a spade, and thought it was a trump: another kick from wife. Lick-ed my thumb to deal better, and got a third kick

10, p. m.—Whist; again seats chang-ed to change luck Long dispute be-tween Mrs. Kilderkin and Mrs. Gander, the one asserting that lord Byron should never marry a daughter of hers, and the other that he should. Head bothered by Beppo, Mazeppo, and Aleppo.—Trumped my partner's lead. Fourth kick from my wife, luckily intercepted by Mrs. Kilderkin's off ankle. Wife begged pardon. Another rat-tat-tat, and another rattle and slap from hackney coach step, announced the arrival of Mrs. Deputy's equipage: bows and courtesies; shawls, simpers, and ceremonious exit, Mrs, Kilderkin vowing, with a yawn, that she had never past a pleasanter evening.

11, p. m.—Bed candles. One made by me, consisting of a round pole of cut turnip, tipped with charcoal, unluckily selected by my wife. Much poking with snuffers before trick detected.—Glance of vengeance, exit wife upstairs, husband following.

12, p. m.—Listened to curtain lecture fifty-one minutes and then fell asleep.