The Southern Jewish Weekly

PLAIN TALK
BY ALFRED SEGAL
THE MOON AND THE JEWISH PROBLEM
Lots of talk lately about trips to the moon in the next ten years, and I am herewith applying to Trans-Universe Airlines (or whatever the corporation's title will turn out to be) for reservations on the first voyage.
So my wife says I am really a bigger fool than she thought I was: To plan such a tour at my time of life . . . "At your age you should begin to think of resting and taking it easy. And suppose you do get to the moon, how do you know you will find any good resorts like Florida or the Catskills? I can't imagine there's a Grossinger there. And you want to go!"
Well, as I tell her, that's just the reason why I want to go to the moon; in short, to discover what facilities there are for Jewish life on the moon: to learn what Jewish problems the moon offers and what to do about them . . . "As you know, we Jews have such a good time arguing Jewish problems."
My wife laughs . . . "As if he didn't have enough Jewish problems down here, he wants to fly to the moon to hunt for more!"
I reply that as a columnist in the Jewish press, through many years, I've been getting a bit tired of the same old Jewish problems to write about over and over, problems that date back 2,000 years, you might say. Read the news of Jews in Jewish papers, and what do you find? Same old, old story of Jews, same problems, same arguments. For example, just now a leading Jewish organization is calling for more general social recognition of Jews, in order to enable them to get a better economic break. (That is to say, a chance in non-Jewish country clubs and such.)
In fact, I was about to write something on that subject when, all at once, I became aware that it was just another of those problems in different version. As an up-to-date columnist I wasn't going to chew it all over again.
So then and there I came to the thought of a trip to the moon to find new Jewish problems befitting the state of a columnist who to hold on to his job should always be up to the minute, as they say. An old-timer dwelling on old ideas in time ceases to be an acceptable columnist. And then what? He must go on social security.
So I am resolved: "I go to the moon just as soon as transportation becomes available," I tell my wife.
Indeed, I have already prepared a questionnaire which I shall submit to those on the moon who may be concerned:
1st question: Just what are the Jewish problems you have up here?
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PLAIN TALK

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2: If you have no Jewish problems just what do the Jews do about a pleasurable existence up here? In short how does a moon-Jew manage to keep going without any special problems to worry about? I am speaking as an earth-Jew. On the earth Jews are continually worrying about themselves as Jews, they organize their worries into big associations: in that way they keep feeling Jewish.

3: If you have no Jews here what do you tenants of the moon do about using somebody to hate? Upon whom do you blame, then, for what may ail moon's society. You see, down on our earth, people have enjoyed themselves hating Jews for 2000 years. Down there Jews are used by many as a convenience by which to explain whatever ails the social order. So, if you have no Jews, what do you use for whipping boys, and if you have no hates what do you do for recreation?

4: If you have Jews among you, what facilities can you provide for those of them who would like to get away from it all on the earth by occasional visits to your moon, on vacation? To make it short, have you any Miami up here? My wife says you probably haven't any Grossinger here. What about that? And what of your hotels? Are they restricted?

Upon presenting these questions, I am surprised to hear that on the moon they know all about Jews, though they haven't any of their own. By flying saucers the moon-dwellers have been all around the earth almost nightly for quite a few years and know practically everything.

I meet the moon's prime minister, widely known as The Man in the Moon. (You see, up there they have one prime minister for the entire moon; that planet hasn't been cut up into many warring nations.)

"Yes," the Man in the Moon says, we are familiar with all those questions, since we know well what goes on down there. To answer your first question: We have no Jewish problem here because we have no Jews.

"Nor do we have Protestants or Catholics, Moslems or Buddhists. So we have none of those earthly sins that people down there have perpetrated on one another in the name of religion."

"Do you know God here?" I inquire.

"We know Him as the One who made the moon for us and put us here. We thank Him for the moon which is a light in the darkness of all the universe in the nights. Up here we try to live up to His stature by being decent people without hate. We reverence Him by working to make the moon a better and better place to live in, since He created it. We try to live together in the serenity that is of the moon's light.

"We don't need hate for our pleasure or for our comfort in our troubles; we need no whipping boys, as you call them. One night recently I made a trip earthward in one of our flying saucers and in the dead of the night we came down to what you call a church, I believe. I entered it and picked up a book there. On one of its pages I found: 'Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.' That's our faith and our practice, and we can't understand why you people down there don't do as it is written in your book."

The moon's prime minister tells me surely Jews, with all others, on the earth, are welcome on the moon . . . "We have no what you call Miami but we do have lakes with the sweetest water. Drinking of it will make sweet the souls of earth people."

I invite him to drop in at our apartment 3700 Reading Road next time he goes exploring in his flying saucer . . . "So long, sir, I'll be seeing you."

(I have just shown this column to my wife . . . "I'll be ashamed to have the prime minister see our apartment," she says. "The way our carpets are always all messed up with the pipe tobacco you drop all over.")